Wistful Words on Women

By an unlikely twist of fate, I was given the chance to teach Women’s Studies this Fall. As one friend commented when she heard the news, “That’s right up your alley.” And she is right. I have spent my life reading women, studying women and in general, being fascinated by women. In her bestselling novel, The Red Tent, Anita Diamant wrote, “If you want to understand any woman you must first ask about her mother and then listen carefully. Stories about food show a strong connection. Wistful silences demonstrate unfinished business. The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life—without flinching or whining—the stronger the daughter” (2). Well, I never knew my mother. She abandoned me when I was still a baby. The woman who raised me in her stead despised me and never missed an opportunity to remind me that she was not my mother…

It is hard to describe the pain a child feels from being abandoned by her mother. It is something all consuming and, I believe, deeper, sharper than the pain that comes from being abandoned by one’s father. Perhaps Lily Owens, the protagonist of The Secret Life of Bees, describes it best: “My whole life had been nothing but a hole where my mother should have been, and this hole has made me different, left me always aching for something” (Kidd 293). To ease that ache, I went in search of a mother. I idolized and impressed my teachers. I fastened myself to friends whose mothers, to me, seemed perfect. I prayed, but even God could not fill that void. I was a mother myself, many years over, before I learned that I could never replace her.

Adrienne Rich wrote, “The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy” (Of Woman Born). My life-long interest in women, that thing that “has made me different,” is a response to that tragedy. But as Anita Diamant predicted, it has also made me stronger. I may not know my mother, but I know our mothers. Their stories fortify and uplift me. Their history is my history. In a very real sense, I am my mothers’ daughter.

And so, when I stand in front of a room that (I predict) will be made up entirely of women, I will begin by asking them—without flinching or whining—to tell me the story of their mothers. To correct the silence left behind by indifferent scholars and sexist historians. I will listen carefully. And with their help, I will work to create a generation of stronger daughters.

Just Venting

I've never thought of myself as a pessimistic person...until recently.  Lately, I feel as if nothing is ever going to get better.  As Heather P jokingly remarked when we had coffee, my glass isn't just half empty; it's bone dry.  And I'm really thirsty. 

It's kind of funny that I was just telling Danielle today that a couple of weeks ago I began meditating, and it's helping.  But this afternoon, I finally had to admit that a Ph.d is not in my foreseeable future.  And it makes me sad. More than sad, but unfortunately, I can't think of any synonyms or strong enough adjectives that work right now.  (Grading brain sucks!) I was depressed when I found out that I wasn't accepted anywhere this go-around.  But I thought to myself, "There's always next time."  Now, I know that it's not going to happen.  The finances to do everything we need to do just aren't there.  I'm making shit, and Tom's making less than shit.  And today, we  acquired over $1000 more debt each and every month.  I'm having surgery that we have to pay for, and because I'm a loser who couldn't get into school (or get a full-time job) I have to start paying student loans.  There's no realistic way we will have the money to make the repairs on our house to sell it, so...no Ph.d. 

Not only do I feel disappointed, but I'm afraid all of my mentors will think I'm such a waste and such a loser.

I envy Tom's ability to focus on the "right nows" of life.  I see the big picture.  I'm goal oriented and see all of the many things we need to do, want to do, and alas, can't possibly do.  What do you do when you have no obtainable goals?  The last 8 years of my life have been leading toward a Ph.d with a lot of mini-goals sprinkled in between.  Get a B.A.: check. Get into M.A. program: check.  Make money: check. Present at conferences: check. Get grant: check. Get awards: check. Make connections: check. Teach: check. Finish Thesis: check. Get M.A.: check. Submit article: check. Apply to Ph.d programs: check.  Now what? It all led to that.  And I feel as if I'm stuck now. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't want it soooooooooooooo badly.

I've never liked treadmills.  If I'm going to walk or run, I want to be outside.  I like to be going somewhere.  And I'm going nowhere now.  All I see in my foreseeable future is continuing to adjunct to pay bills.  No extra money to travel.  No money to renovate the house.  Nothing to look forward to.

You know, all of this started with my stupid attempt to create my own "Happiness Project." What a fool I am!

I need a full time job making real money so that maybe, just maybe I can start making baby steps back toward my original goal. But even then, I wonder if taking so much time off will look badly to the programs to which I'm applying.  Who knows...life sucks.  Just thought I'd let you know.

Feeling Steampunky

Recently, I have become really interested in Steampunk fiction--or rather motivated to pursue my interest in it.  When I took Molly's class, we read a little, and as you all know, I have always loved Sci-fi and fantasy (things like Buffy and Stargate and X-files).  So, it seems I should have read more of this stuff.  I'm so glad I have bookclub to experiment!

When Danielle asked me to give her a definition of Steampunk, however, I couldn't really give a satisfactory one.  But the author of a blog I follow does. The Steampunk Scholar defines it as follows:

Steampunk is a sub-genre of fantasy and speculative fiction that came into prominence in the 1980s and early 1990s. The term denotes works set in an era or world where steam power is still widely used—usually the 19th century, and often set in Victorian era England—but with prominent elements of either science fiction or fantasy, such as fictional technological inventions like those found in the works of H. G. Wells and Jules Verne, or real technological developments like the computer occurring at an earlier date. Other examples of steampunk contain alternate history-style presentations of "the path not taken" of such technology as dirigibles or analog computers; these frequently are presented in an idealized light, or with a presumption of functionality.

Steampunk is often associated with cyberpunk and shares a similar fanbase and theme of rebellion, but developed as a separate movement (though both have considerable influence on each other). Apart from time period and level of technological development, the main difference between cyberpunk and steampunk is that steampunk settings usually tend to be less obviously dystopian than cyberpunk, or lack dystopian elements entirely.

Usually , Steampunk is characterized by its interest in Victorianism and is therefore often referred to as Neo-Victorianism.  If you are interested in looking at some scholarly articles about the subject, the online journal, Neo-Victorian Studies is wonderful and will give you an idea of texts in this genre.

I say all of this to explain why I chose The Anubis Gates by Tim Powers for my next bookclub selection. I have to confess that I've never read it before, so if you hate it, don't blame me! 

If you are interested, I also recently read Gail Carriger's Changeless and found it tremendous fun.  Not high literature by any means, but a quick, fun read. It's the first book in the Parasol Protectorate Series, so if you like it, there's more fun to follow.

I will wrap this post up by saying that I mainly wrote this one in order to break our long silence in blog-land.  So, I expect others to follow suit soon (do you catch the passive aggressive hint, ladies?) And for Danielle, "Eat Paste!" And now you can write!

Ghosts, Goblins and "Good Works"

My daughter graduated from high school yesterday. As she walked across the stage, I sat cheering in the stands surrounded by “family” members. My husband sat on the bench behind me because we weren’t speaking to each other—again. My honorary “sister” sat next to me, my stepson and biological son sat to my left and right respectively, and my husband’s ex-wife’s parents sat somewhere to my left. Together, we made a proverbial motley crew. While the salutatorian talked about Ronald Reagan, I started to think about families, how they’re created, and how they, in turn, create us.

Tolstoy wrote, “Happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” My own family was made unhappy by the ghost that lived in their home. She was sad and solitary haunt—a leftover piece of someone else’s shattered family. She was me.

Anybody who’s ever been abused knows that abusers prey on hopes and dreams. My stepmother was no different. Hopelessness and depression swam in her wake. Daily, she assured me that no one would ever love me, I would never amount to anything, I had the intelligence of a monkey, etc…

Every time she spoke, I felt as if a piece of me died.

Out of sheer desperation and a pure animal instinct to defend my own life, I took what was left of me and pushed her way down deep, locking her away in that secret place in my soul. There I kept her, barely alive, feed solely on books and daydreams.

Books, in short, saved my life.

Books took me away from the horror that was my reality, but to say that they were an “escape” downplays the effect they had on me and my life. Books were my family—my parents, my brothers and sisters, my creepy uncle and crazy aunt. Books taught me life lessons; they taught me how life could be; they made me who I am today.


From Barthe Declements’ Copper Jones, I learned that telling the truth gives you power and inner strength. Where the Red Fern Grows taught me the value of hard work. And Anne (spelled with an “e”) Shirley taught me the importance of an education.

The older I got, the hungrier I got, and in my pre-teens, I devoured adventure and survival books: The Cay, Island of the Blue Dolphins, The Sign of the Beaver, The Hatchet. Each one taught me that I was strong—that if I was smart enough and brave enough, I could survive on my own. Over time, the strength of my family gave me the courage to give up the ghost.


Free at last, I am still sometimes shocked by the sound of my own voice, but I continue to feed off of the works of great authors, and my voice grows stronger with time. But my words are not entirely my own. In the words of Ronald Reagan, I stand on the shoulders of giants. But my “shrines” are not made of bricks and mortar; they are paper and ink. Libraries and bookstores are my temples and books, my shrines.

Traveling by Book, Traveling in my Dreams

Okay.  Since no one else will write anything, I'll just have to do so.  Yes, this is a not-so-subtle reprimand for my fellow and beloved book-clubbers.

I have been reading The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri, trying to get a jumpstart for our next book club meeting.  Dont, worry, no spoilers follow!  While there are many passages that have been so beautifully crafted that I was inclined to underline them using my favorite pen (purple ink, of course), one line continues to haunt me.  It both excites me and saddens me, gives me hope and dashes my dreams.  The line occurs early in the novel, within the first twenty pages: "My grandfather always says that's what books are for," Ashoke said, using the opportunity to open the volume in his hands.  "To travel without moving an inch."  Ashoke speaks this poignant line in response to a man's command to travel the world while he can, while he is free from responsibility and obligations.

I'm sure the reason the passage excited me is obvious.  As a lover of books, and as one who has always found escape in books, the idea of traveling by book resonates with me.  My first glimpse of the English countryside was through Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. I remember trembling with Jane Eyre in the red room and walking the seedy streets of Brooklyn with Francie.  I sailed down the Mississippi with Huck and Jim, felt the blistry winter air in the March attic, keeping Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy company in New England.  I have been to Neverland and watched the flowers bloom with Mary in her Secret Garden.  I watched as Oliver begged for a little more gruel in Dickens'  seedy and unseen London and continued to helplessly peek in the window as Nancy was brutally murdered.  I have seen and visited wonderful places, places people only dream of, and I have seen and visited places that persist in childish nightmares.  All through the books I read.

But, alas, I have never truly seen these places, never walked where the characters in my favorite novels have walked, never breathed the air my favorite authors have breathed.  Only in my imagination have I followed shadows and caught glimpses of things I long to experience.  I remember as a child seeing rainbows and clouds in the sky, and I wanted to touch them.  But of course you can't touch these things. I always ran toward the rainbow and never arrived at its location. So it is with Austen's countryside.  I see it vividly in my mind, but it is not tangible. I keep chasing after it, but I never seem to get there.

Maybe it is because it is summer, the time for vacations and travel, that my heart aches for exotic places even more than usual.  Growing up, we never took family vacations.  There was never money, never time.  I take that back.  When I was four years old, we went to Disney World with my creepy, evil stepfather.  I only remember two things about the trip: 1) I wasn't allowed to ride the Dumbo ride because said stepfather thought the line was too long 2) the witch on the Snow White ride scared me.  To be fair, I have traveled to Boston to visit family in the last couple of years, and I will never, ever forget our memorable trip to NYC.  I still look at the pictures from that trip and smile! But there are so many other places I want to go in America and abroad, places I fear I will never visit.  I certainly don't have the money to do so now, and since I'm about to embark on another six years of self-induced poverty (aka Ph.d) I don't foresee any trips to good ole England, for example, anytime soon.  Nor even Disney World.  This saddens me more than I could ever truly express.

Because I did things so backwards in my life, I don't have the freedom of which the stranger in The Namesake speaks.  I already have responsibilities and obligations.  And as much as I hope to one day have children and take them on trips to the places I dream of, I want to visit them first.  Does this sound selfish? Perhaps it is.

Now that, I have explained the excitement and melancholy that flooded me when reading this line, I promise slightly more cheery material to follow.  At first, reading such a line was crushing.  I wanted to stamp my feet and cry out, "But I don't wanna travel without moving an inch!"  I want to get on a plane, a train, a boat even and go there now.  Like Veruca Salt, "I want it NOW!"  Then, I gave myself a good talking-to.  I could continue to be a big baby and pout, giving up on the hope of ever seeing these places, or I could continue to dream, to remember the solace I have previously found in books, in traveling only in my dreams.  Instead of seeing my beloved books, my old friends as reminders of the places I may never go, I needed to see them as a lovely way to visit Tuscany, England, France, and Ireland in an afternoon, for no more trouble than a trip to the bookstore or library or a click on Amazon.  But, how do I do this?

For the longest time (since I began Grad School to be exact) my relationship with books has been dwindling.  I still love to read, but I think I have forgotten the pleasure of simply getting lost in a book for no other reason than to be lost.  Because I have a typical Type A personality, I always put too much pressure on myself.  As much as I don't like to admit it, I like to be the best at things.  I rarely am, but I never cease to work toward such outrageous standards.  Thus, when I read, I feel like I should be writing something about it, formulating a plan, preparing for class (to teach or study).  Even reading books for book club has at times been a chore.  This is not to say that I haven't read for pleasure, but even then, I almost feel like I should turn it into something productive.  More productive than simply reading, I guess.  To be honest, I don't know what I mean or how to explain it. I guess, I've let other things come between me and books, even writing, for I love to write about the things I am reading (as you can tell from this unusually long post).

So, I have decided to reconcile with books this summer.  Yes, I need to study for the subject test.  And yes, I should read some things to prepare for further studies.  But, I am going to read so that I can enjoy myself, so that I can travel without moving an inch.  I'm going to begin by reading Under the Tuscan Sun so that I can visit Italy.  What will follow, I'm not quite sure.  I need to make an itinerary of the places I want to visit. Then, if anyone asks in the fall, "What did you do this Summer?" she will not hear my usual, bitter reply: "Nothing." Instead,  I will optimistically and pleasantly respond, "I began the summer in a villa in Tuscany."  Would you like to join me on my excursions?

Guernsey Inspiration and First Thoughts

"Perhaps there is some secret sort of homing instinct in books that brings them to their perfect readers."

When I began brainstorming for our first official post, my thoughts kept returning to the last book I read: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. I know I told you at our last meeting, but I can't help but re-emphasize that you should definitely read this book! It's one of those books that you get lost in. The characters and landscapes are so vivid and rich, I wanted to meet them, to touch them. By the end, I wanted to make Guernsey my home and to make Juliet, Sidney, Dawsey, Amelia, and Isola my family.

In some way, I believe the Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is much like our book club. The German occupation brought the members together, and though they come from different walks of life, they find a common connection and comfort in the books they read, and inevitably in one another. We may not have suffered through a war together, but we have already, in the last two years, survived tragedy, grad school (a kind of war, I guess) and disappointment. We have also experienced so much fun and excitement! And I find the same comfort in our friendship and our meetings. Okay, enough with the sap!

What I like most about the book is the connection between the characters and the books they read. While most books paint the characters through descriptions and others' perspectives, Shaffer and Barrows bring their characters to life literarily. An epistolary novel, Guernsey literally gives the characters voice through their witty letters. But the books that each member chooses to read reveals something significant about who they are. For example, Dawsey explains that he "feels a Kinship" to Charles Lamb and the connection later unfolds. And Isola is drawn to the eccentric, passionate, and clever Brontes.

So, I began to ruminate (don't you love this word? I like it almost as much as "healthful") on the quote above, a quote that epitomizes Guernsey. I do believe we are all drawn to certain books (or are the books really drawn to us?), and I think those books say something about who we are.

Heather T's favorite book is Anne of Green Gables, and she is such an Anne! Full of life, adventure, she still finds wonder in the simple things as well as the truly fantastic. Always an optimist and an encourager, Heather finds a way to make any bad situation better. She still believes in happy endings and the magic of imagination.

Heather P is very much a Jane Eyre. A strong, intellectual woman who has been underappreciated and mistreated, but who somehow always overcomes. She inspires and breaks boundaries. And even with such strenth, she is the most caring and gentle person I know.

Danielle is complex. And I have thought and thought about which book characterizes her. The only book I've ever heard her absoluteley rave about is Wuthering Heights, and I think this makes sense. I've never made it to the end of the novel (I know, I really should give it another shot!), so I'm basing this description roughly on what I know. Wuthering Heights and Danielle are unique, passionate, and at times, delightfully dark and creepy ( I mean this sincerely in a good way). Also, Danielle writes so beautifully and cleverly. In fact, I have often referred to her as my own contemporary Jane Austen. So, maybe Danielle is more like Northanger Abbey....Hmmm. Something to think about.

As for me, I'm just not sure. I would like to think I, too, was a Jane Austen novel. Cleverly challenging social norms with a biting sense of humor. However, one of my favorite books (so hard to choose) or at leat the first book with which I identified was a A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. What does this say about me? Tragic but hopeful, determined.... That I'm a weed who can grow out of the worst circumstances?

So, tell me what you think. Did I characterize you accurately? Which books do you think identify you? And which book characterizes me?

I'll end with one last quote from Guernsey author, Annie Barrows: "The wonderful thing about books...is that they take us out of our time and place and transport us not just into the world of the story, but into the world of our fellow readers, who have stories of their own." I'm so glad I can be a part of your stories!