It's kind of funny that I was just telling Danielle today that a couple of weeks ago I began meditating, and it's helping. But this afternoon, I finally had to admit that a Ph.d is not in my foreseeable future. And it makes me sad. More than sad, but unfortunately, I can't think of any synonyms or strong enough adjectives that work right now. (Grading brain sucks!) I was depressed when I found out that I wasn't accepted anywhere this go-around. But I thought to myself, "There's always next time." Now, I know that it's not going to happen. The finances to do everything we need to do just aren't there. I'm making shit, and Tom's making less than shit. And today, we acquired over $1000 more debt each and every month. I'm having surgery that we have to pay for, and because I'm a loser who couldn't get into school (or get a full-time job) I have to start paying student loans. There's no realistic way we will have the money to make the repairs on our house to sell it, so...no Ph.d.
Not only do I feel disappointed, but I'm afraid all of my mentors will think I'm such a waste and such a loser.
I envy Tom's ability to focus on the "right nows" of life. I see the big picture. I'm goal oriented and see all of the many things we need to do, want to do, and alas, can't possibly do. What do you do when you have no obtainable goals? The last 8 years of my life have been leading toward a Ph.d with a lot of mini-goals sprinkled in between. Get a B.A.: check. Get into M.A. program: check. Make money: check. Present at conferences: check. Get grant: check. Get awards: check. Make connections: check. Teach: check. Finish Thesis: check. Get M.A.: check. Submit article: check. Apply to Ph.d programs: check. Now what? It all led to that. And I feel as if I'm stuck now. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't want it soooooooooooooo badly.
I've never liked treadmills. If I'm going to walk or run, I want to be outside. I like to be going somewhere. And I'm going nowhere now. All I see in my foreseeable future is continuing to adjunct to pay bills. No extra money to travel. No money to renovate the house. Nothing to look forward to.
You know, all of this started with my stupid attempt to create my own "Happiness Project." What a fool I am!
I need a full time job making real money so that maybe, just maybe I can start making baby steps back toward my original goal. But even then, I wonder if taking so much time off will look badly to the programs to which I'm applying. Who knows...life sucks. Just thought I'd let you know.
Life is full of wonderful things. Sometimes a letdown like this one are really an oportunity to find different goals. Maybe a PhD isn't what you were meant for. Maybe you were meant to take this time to revisualize yourself.
ReplyDeleteI know it just doesn't seem fair. You do everything right, and then life sucker punches you time after time.
ReplyDeleteI usually consider myself a very optimistic person, but yesterday I had a Jonah day. I realized that I wasn't going to get paid again until September, although I was budgeting for one more check. I realized that if it weren't for Logan's financial sense we would be screwed. Then I thought to myself, man, I have my Master's, and I don't even know if I'm supposed to get another check or not. From there one inconvient thing after another happened until I had worked myself up into a funk.
This morning I woke up with an improved attitude. I reminded myself that life is 90% what happens to you and 10% what you do about it, but it's that last 10% that really counts. I know I stole that from a self-help book, but I like it.
Anyways, all this to say that you can't always help what happens to you. However, there are some things that you need to be reminded of: you, Kelli, are a beautiful, strong, extremely intelligent, witty woman, who has a husband who adores her and friends that think she is the bee's knees. You have had more on your plate this last semester than seems possible, and you have every right to need to vent. Writing in itself is healing.
The night is always darkest right before the dawn. I don't know how they messure this, but I'll take their word for it.
Lydia, thank you for your comment. While I do still think a Phd is what I'm meant to do, clearly I'm not meant to do it just yet.
ReplyDeleteHeather, you always make me feel so much better! I did need to vent at the time. I still don't know how or when everything is going to work out, but I know that I need to change my attitude about things. I can't control everything. Simply having the surgery has helped a lot. Who knew that being physically well could change so much ;) Love you lovely lady!