Monday, May 9, 2011
It's kind of funny that I was just telling Danielle today that a couple of weeks ago I began meditating, and it's helping. But this afternoon, I finally had to admit that a Ph.d is not in my foreseeable future. And it makes me sad. More than sad, but unfortunately, I can't think of any synonyms or strong enough adjectives that work right now. (Grading brain sucks!) I was depressed when I found out that I wasn't accepted anywhere this go-around. But I thought to myself, "There's always next time." Now, I know that it's not going to happen. The finances to do everything we need to do just aren't there. I'm making shit, and Tom's making less than shit. And today, we acquired over $1000 more debt each and every month. I'm having surgery that we have to pay for, and because I'm a loser who couldn't get into school (or get a full-time job) I have to start paying student loans. There's no realistic way we will have the money to make the repairs on our house to sell it, so...no Ph.d.
Not only do I feel disappointed, but I'm afraid all of my mentors will think I'm such a waste and such a loser.
I envy Tom's ability to focus on the "right nows" of life. I see the big picture. I'm goal oriented and see all of the many things we need to do, want to do, and alas, can't possibly do. What do you do when you have no obtainable goals? The last 8 years of my life have been leading toward a Ph.d with a lot of mini-goals sprinkled in between. Get a B.A.: check. Get into M.A. program: check. Make money: check. Present at conferences: check. Get grant: check. Get awards: check. Make connections: check. Teach: check. Finish Thesis: check. Get M.A.: check. Submit article: check. Apply to Ph.d programs: check. Now what? It all led to that. And I feel as if I'm stuck now. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't want it soooooooooooooo badly.
I've never liked treadmills. If I'm going to walk or run, I want to be outside. I like to be going somewhere. And I'm going nowhere now. All I see in my foreseeable future is continuing to adjunct to pay bills. No extra money to travel. No money to renovate the house. Nothing to look forward to.
You know, all of this started with my stupid attempt to create my own "Happiness Project." What a fool I am!
I need a full time job making real money so that maybe, just maybe I can start making baby steps back toward my original goal. But even then, I wonder if taking so much time off will look badly to the programs to which I'm applying. Who knows...life sucks. Just thought I'd let you know.